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By Anindita Paul
There is a silver lining to every relationship that didn’t work out
British novelist William Makepeace Thackeray once wrote: “To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose is the next best.” As Thackeray astutely pointed out, not all relationships are meant to end in ‘happily ever afters’. Further, every relationship that didn’t work out doesn’t necessarily have to end in despair. As our readers and experts point out, there are valuable lessons your past relationships can teach you about life, love, and loss.
‘Both partners should be equally invested in the relationship’
Subhjit Sarkar, 37, sales professional
“My ex and I married soon after we connected on a matrimonial website. While we got off to a great start, as the months went by, I found that there were certain fundamental differences in our expectations from marriage. For me, independence was an important quality in a life partner. She, on the other hand, expected to be pampered and cared for. I was expected to be the sole provider in the relationship and, despite my discomfort, she was unwilling to understand or accommodate my point of view. When it became apparent to me that there was an obvious mismatch in our value systems, I knew that the relationship would not work out,” says Sarkar. He says that both partners have to be willing to work on the relationship for it to be a smooth ride.
EXPERTSPEAK
1. When a couple is faced with confl icting interests and priorities, it helps to get a grip on how each partner’s needs and interests can be respected and fostered through a healthy give-and-take, says life coach Nidhika Bahl.
2. As couple, you have to learn to establish boundaries and be decisive when communicating with each other from the very beginning. You must also learn to make your union your priority, Bahl adds.
3. “It is also important to ensure that any discussions between couples are mature and productive. While it is normal for couples to fi ght, yelling and shouting is rarely healthy or conclusive,” says clinical psychologist Namrata Jain.
‘Love should never be at the cost of self-esteem’
Shivangi Talati, 28, makeup artist
“I was barely 20 when I entered into my first relationship. It was long-distance — I was in Mumbai and he was in Delhi. While everyone warned me about the perils of a long-distance relationship, I had confidence in our bond. However, distance gradually began to play a role in separating us. We didn’t meet very often, and the calls gradually became less frequent. Three years later, he cut off all contact with me. I was aghast as I had planned to marry him and had envisioned my entire future accordingly. For a while, I didn’t know what to do. It took several hard lessons to finally understand that he was in no way as committed as I was, and that I was more of a passing phase for him. He was using me emotionally and I was letting him get away with it,” says Talati. When her ex did return to her a few months later, she discovered that he had been cheating on her with a colleague, and she ended up calling things off soon after. “I have learned that a relationship should inspire confidence, not self-doubt, and it should never damage your self-esteem.”
EXPERTSPEAK
1. While in a relationship, you can only change yourself. It is a false belief that you can transform your partner, says Namrata Jain. “While you can motivate each other to change, this can only happen when there is an internal desire to make a shift. Being put under pressure to change may only lead to temporary improvements, but it is certain to lead to resentment or suppression,” she adds.
2. Both partners must remember that they deserve to be treated well and reciprocate that. Neither partner can, or should, expect to get away with putting the other down or harming them, says Jain. “Instead, fi nd ways to appreciate each other for the small and big things, and be grateful for what you have,” she says.
‘Abuse of any sort is always a red fl ag’
Pallavi Majumder, 29, writer
“I come from a fairly liberal family, and had never imagined myself to be a victim. I always believed that any friction between us was rooted in love. My ex was very insecure and would invariably find some way of venting that frustration on me. I initially believed that my role, as his partner, was to comfort and reassure him. Eventually, I learned to see the relationship for what it was. My ex was abusive and his behaviour often frightened me. This relationship was toxic and there was nothing I could do to fix it other than walking out. My partner had little regard for my feelings, or for any turmoil I was going through. In fact, our relationship began to fall apart after my father’s death, which was barely a year since we began dating,” says Majumder. Her friends rallied around her in her time of need, and helped her pull herself out of the relationship. “While my current partner and I do argue, our fights are never degrading or dehumanising. Our relationship is rooted in a deep sense of respect,” she says.
EXPERTSPEAK
1. Most people who are trapped in an abusive relationship mistakenly believe that when their partner heals the hurt that seems to cause the resentment and anger, then (s)he will be more compassionate. The truth is that your compassion will heal you but not your partner. In such a situation, you must learn to protect yourself by rebuilding the distorted image of yourself that is derived from your partner’s behaviour. This will allow you to overcome emotional reactivity and return to the person you were, before the relationship soured, says Nidhika Bahl.
2. “Some relationships are only meant to serve the greater purpose of teaching us to honourably let go — to stand up for ourselves and learn where we went wrong so as to avoid making the same mistakes again, and detaching from that which disturbs our peace. Being able to let go of the past allows us to be fully present emotionally, spiritually and physically in our future relationships,” says Namrata Jain.
