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Back from a nightout with friends? Planning a trip with long-distance friends sometime in the near future? There’s a lot to look forward to, catch up on, not to mention just the excitement and happiness of meeting people, who, simply by their presence, make you feel all will be okay with this world – even when it’s not.
In this age of influencers, friends are our biggest influencers, says Carlin Flora in her book,
Friendfluence: The Surprising Way Friends Make Us Who We Are. Flora talks about the powerful, and often unappreciated, role that friends — past and present — play in moulding our lives. We all know that our families shape us, and our partners can influence us. Life coach Vaibhav Datar believes we often don’t understand the extent to which our friends can influence our belief system. “Our friends impact the quality of our lives, and our close friendships are the secret to longevity,” Datar says.
Science tells us that friends can actually cure us of our physical ailments and emotional stress. Professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D, and a professor of psychology, says people with a solid group of friends are 50 per cent more likely to survive at any given time than those without one.
Friends = Longevity
To a person with a good support system of friends, this is great news. What’s alarming though is the fact that most people have “zero close friends”. Matthew Brashears, a Cornell University sociologist, surveyed more than 2,000 adults and found that from 1985 to 2010, number of close friends dropped. This was nine years ago – how bad is it now?
While the last decade and a half has seen our friend ‘list’ multiply (read social media), it has ironically driven us apart from our real friends. Friendship has suddenly become this fad that you show off on social media – while the tangible effects of being close friends (sharing secrets to feel lighter, getting inspired and motivated) are being lost.
Says Heena Menon, entrepreneur, “There’s a thin line between people you like, and people you actually want to befriend. To make and keep friends for life is a decision two individuals should take after understanding each other. Which is why, sometimes, many of us struggle to make and keep friends these days.”
Her best friend, Suraj Singh Jhala, agrees, “We became friends first and business partners later. There are many ways in which friends can influence you. They can bring out the best in you, even when you don’t realise what you are good at. They can help you identify your strengths and show you the right path.”
In her book, The Friendship Cure, author Kate Leaver talks about how we need to relearn the art of friendship because we need each other more than ever. Says Leaver, “The only way we can end this era of acute loneliness is to start a new era of proper, loving, restorative camaraderie between human beings. That means prioritising friends. It also means deliberately, brazenly choosing who deserves to be in our lives in the first place. It means revival of friendship.”
Relearn friendship rules
Friendships are opportunities for storytelling. And friend-wooing is one of life’s great pleasures. It defines how we connect to others, why there’s friendly chemistry between some and not others. Author Nidhika Bahl tells us how our friendfluencers keep encouraging and empowering us. “Great friendship is when you can be yourself with someone – and that someone will never judge you for anything you ever do. They are willing to accept you for who you are. These are also relationships where there’s no room for competition, only collaboration. Great friendships may start with a shared experience but their relationship becomes more meaningful when they support each other’s social identities,” says Bahl.
Entrepreneur Saurabh Goswami feels whatever the origin, we can’t possibly deny the influence friends have in shaping us – emotionally, or physically. He says, “As we grow older, we start forming friendships with people who will make us better – intellectually, emotionally or socially. The problem is that this influence is a hugely underrated – possibly a direct result of the busy life of millennials.”
Entrepreneur Sukhpreet Sial has understood the immense influence friends have on one another since the time he started a business with Puneet Kansal, also his close friend. He says, “Being there for each other during bad times gets people to bond for life. We connect intellectually and emotionally with much more intensity now. Our business is a success because we are open to each other’s perspectives on matters that confuse either one of us.”
How to maintain friendships
– Embrace the little things. It’s easy to forget that strong relationships are not made in giant, sweeping, strokes, but in continuity of little connections and kindnesses
– Take on new experiences. A long-term, good-enough friendship needs revival strategies
– Follow up when your friend tells you he/she is going through a bad patch
– Share vulnerabilities
– Asking for help and advice makes your pal feel valued
– Self-disclosure with the right person brings about trust
3 rules to live by
– The secret to long-term friendships is an absence of pride. Too many falter on stubbornness or the determination to hold on to offense
– Successful ones rely on humility and recognition of human fallibility
– Commitment is key to maintaining real relationships – don’t keep cancelling plans
Great friendships may start with a shared experience but the relationship becomes more meaningful when they support each other’s social identities
